Disarm Self-Criticism with Self-Compassion

Self-Criticism–who isn’t familiar? In small doses, it can help us self-adjust as we navigate our complicated world. It can open our eyes to where we might have done harm. It can show us where we need to improve. Sometimes it gives us the self-awareness to grow and change.

But when we criticize ourselves harshly for any mistake large and small, life gets unmanageable. It hacks away at our belief in ourselves. It pulls the rug out from under us as we try to take a risk. The voices of self-criticism can be so loud that they distract and undermine our focus. At this point, this self-talk is no longer self-correcting. In fact, psychologists find that it leads to doubting our every move and undue feelings of shame.

Say we’ve made an ordinary mistake. Here comes Self-Criticism knocking at our door! Negative self-talk pelts our backs and ratchets up our stress level in an already uncomfortable situation. Stress or fear releases heavy doses of hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which create more flight-or-flight responses in our systems. This could lead us to say or do things we might regret.

Self-Compassion Interrupts Excessive
Self-Criticism

We need something powerful to put a pause on self-criticism. That’s where self-compassion comes in!

Kristin Neff, leading psychologist and co-creator of the Mindful Self Compassion course defines self-compassion as having three main themes: 

(1) Self-kindness versus self-judgment
(2) A sense of common humanity versus isolation
(3) Mindfulness versus over-identification with painful self-judgement 

Here is a Quick Self-Compassion Meditation
Fold your arms over your chest, giving yourself an inconspicuous hug. Think of your situation in detail. Then say to yourself:
(1) “This is a moment of suffering (or name difficult feeling).
(2) “Emotional pain is a part of life. Everyone goes through pain even if theirs is a little different.”
(3) “May I be gentle and kind with myself right now.” or “May I be strong” “May I forgive myself.”

Compassion and Affiliation Regulates Our Response to Threat

In a 2008 study, it was found that humans in threatening situations make it more manageable through social connection. Positive social bonding promotes positive feelings of calm and contentment. That produces oxytocin.

All this Caring Cues Our System to Make Oxytocin

Oxytocin is a potent hormone that produces feelings of contentment, well-being and safety. A 2020 study of oxytocin found that it's linked to preventing inflammation, healing damaged tissue, inhibiting cancer growth, and protecting the gastrointestinal lining in both children and adults.

Oxytocin Helps Manage Our Chronic Stress

A 1998 study discovered that oxytocin prevents us from freezing with fear in the face of ongoing stressors.

What if We Gave Ourselves the Same Caring and Kindness We'd Give a Close Friend?

That warm, wonderful feeling of relief we get when talking to an understanding friend about our troubles?  We can provide that for ourselves with self-compassion. We could actually trigger inner feelings of soothing, reassurance, and contentment for ourselves. We can feel that same happy feeling of being cared for by others by caring for ourselves.

Self-Compassion Isn't Self-Indulgent

We might think self-compassion is too self-centered, that it could let us off the hook for mistakes too easily. Just the opposite. Research shows that when we are kind to ourselves when we fail or fall short, we are naturally more motivated to bounce back and self-correct. When we feel soothed and encouraged, we have strength to try again.

We may safe enough to try new things and change. When we feel safer, our defensiveness decreases. It becomes much easier to admit our mistakes. When we feel empathy for ourselves, we can access patience for ourselves and others.

Mindful Self-Compassion Training

With all of the proven benefits of self-compassion, Kristin Neff and Paul Gilbert created a Mindful Self Compassion Training course to teach self-compassion skills. It's an eight-week course designed to help people who struggle with high shame and self-criticism. 

Self-compassion meditations and exercises are also available for free at www.self-compassion.org. Exercises like these can be used in daily life to provide immediate relief from self-criticism. They can access our innate caring and befriending abilities and help us turn them towards ourselves.  ❤️

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References
Carter, S.C., Kenkel, W.M., MacLean, E.L., Wilson, S.R., Perkeybile, A.M., Yee, J.R., Ferris, C.F., Nazarloo, H.P., Porges, S.W., Davis, J.M., Connelly, J.J., & Kingsbury, M.A. (2020). Is Oxytocin “Nature’s Medicine”? 

Pharmacological Review

72:829–861. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1124/pr.120.019398

Kirsch, P., Esslinger, C., Qiang C., Mier,D., Lis, S., Siddhanti, S., Gruppe, H., Mattay, V.S., Gallhofer,B. & Meyer-Lindenberg, A. (2005). Oxytocin Modulates Neural Circuitry for Social Cognition and Fear in Humans. 

The Journal of Neuroscience, 

25(49):11489 –11493. DOI:10.1523/JNEUROSCI.3984-05.2005

Leaviss, J., & Uttley, L. (2015). Psychotherapeutic Benefits of Compassion-Focused Therapy: AnEarly Systematic Review. Psychological Medicine,45(5), 927-945. DOI: 10.1017/S0033291714002141Lucre, K.M., & Corten, N. (2013). An Exploration of Group Compassion-Focused Therapy for Personality Disorder. Psychology & Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 86(4), 387–400. https://DOI-org.scroll.lib.westfield.ma.edu/10.1111/j.2044-8341.2012.02068.xNaismith, I., Santiago, Z.G., Feigenbaum, J. et al., (2019). Abuse, Invalidation, and Lack of Early Warmth Show Distinct Relationships with Self‐Criticism, Self‐Compassion, and Fear of Self‐Compassion in Personality Disorder. Clinical Psychology, Psychotherapy,26:350–361. DOI: 10.1002/cpp.2357Neff, K. (2015). Self-Compassion HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.Thomason, S. & Moghaddam, N. (2021). Compassion-focused therapies for self-esteem: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice 94, 737–759. DOI: 10.1111/papt.12319

Please visitwww.self-compassion.org for exercises in self-compassion